Tag: grief

  • 4 things I’ve learned from settling my parents estate after loss

    4 things I’ve learned from settling my parents estate after loss

    Life is always throwing curve balls. Summer of 2021 threw the biggest one I have yet to experience. When dad passed away, my siblings and I didn’t have the slightest idea of what we would have to deal with. We thought that we would bring my dad’s will to a lawyer and everything would magically work itself out. Nobody prepares you for the list of legalities that have to get done while you are trying to grieve. I felt like I had to put myself on auto pilot so that we could get everything settled. Only then, could I allow myself to grieve and unpack the trauma associated with his passing.

    The one thing that I did find is that information is not easily available on how to deal on how to handle certain things. Below are 4 things that I wish I would have known from the beginning. I know every situation is different, but it doesn’t hurt to ask or inquire on behalf of your family.

    1. Bring your loved one’s Social Security card to the funeral home when you go to make arrangements. Take it from me, double check all info! We didn’t realize that my dad went back in after mom passed and made changes on his information. He mixed up a number on his SSN and we didn’t catch the mistake until the death certificate was in. We had to send it back to be ammended and it took almost 5 months to get it back. And you need that death certificate in hand for so many things!
    2. Inquire what is needed in your state in regards to opening an “Estate” account. In short, you cannot cash a deceased person’s checks into a regular checking account. Once they pass, every check must be deposited into an estate account. This is one thing that we thought that we did not need to do, but we underestimated how many account cancellations would have some type of reimbursement (home owners insurance, car insurance, credit card credits). You can ask your bank what they require. Either the bank or your lawyer can direct you to the paperwork and documents that are needed to open one.
    3. As the bills roll in, call each provider and ask for the probate department. Let them know that your loved one has passed and that you need to close the account and find out what the estate will be responsible for. Sometimes, the debt can be reduced or written off. Some may tell you to disregard the bill, others may need to audit the account and send you a statement with the findings. This was probably the most valuable information that we recieved. However, plan to be on the phone for a while. I think at one point during this process, I spent 10-15 hours on phonecalls one week.
    4. Just because your parents have a will, doesn’t mean that settling things will be easy. My parents worked for years to make sure that their affairs were in order and that my siblings and I would be able to settle things easily. Let me tell you, it was the furthest thing from easy! AND that was with my siblings and I being amicable and just trying to settle things according to my parents wishes. Be prepared to hurry up and wait.

    Every persons journey is different and this post in no way replaces legal or professional guidance. These are just some basic things that we learned going through settling my parents estate and found helpful. This journey is hard, really dang hard, no matter which way you go about it. A friend of mine said it best, “I feel so bad for how I treated my friends after they lost their parents. I didn’t know how hard this process was, I should have been there for them, more.”

    This “after” is something that isn’t openly talked about. A huge part of this process is just dealing, and for however long that may be. It’s not easy, it’s the side of loss that’s not largely talked about, and it should. It’s hard. Every layer of loss is hard.

  • 4 Ways to Help a Loved One Through Grief and Loss

    4 Ways to Help a Loved One Through Grief and Loss

    Yesterday, I was supposed to meet one of my good friends for brunch. We ended up agreeing to take a raincheck on brunch because life happened. Only, I ended up having a conversation with a random lady who purchased some home décor from me via our neighborhood garage sale page.

    This sweet lady kept apologizing profusely about how she had been comforting her best friend who had just lost her husband from Covid. By the end of our conversation we were both in tears. It’s amazing how sometimes you get messages when you least expect. I knew when I went to bed last night, I was waking up today and writing this blog post.

    On behalf of someone who is currently 3 years into the roller coaster of grief, I thought I would share some tips for those wanting to be there for their spouse, partner or friend with grief. From the outside looking in, it may be hard to determine what you can do to help. However, the things listed below helped me get through some of my darkest days after losing mom to a long battle with cancer.

    1. Listen. Listen, for some reason, talking through my moms last days helped me to process it. I know that talking about the end of life can be a little awkward, but it was something that I needed to talk myself through and Josh and my friends being there to listen to me was what I needed. Hospice was an experience that I could not put into words as we were going through it but in order for me to fully process it I had to put it in words later. Plus, having a laugh about me looking my worst and mom waking up after we thought that she wouldn’t, telling me that I needed to “put on some makeup and lipstick” because I was looking hella rough still makes me laugh till this day.
    2. Food. After a week of going through the motions of mom passing and having to plan her service. Knowing I was the detail oriented child who she trusted to execute her fully planned funeral all the way down to her suit coordinating with the ribbon on her floral arrangement, I was exhausted. Josh had to get back to work and my kids were home for the summer. My friends all pooled together and gave me gift cards for meals even after I refused a meal train. They fed my family when I mentally could not. I could get through breakfast and lunch but supper was hard and I was exhausted on so many levels. We lived on food delivery for weeks.
    3. Show up. Just show up. I had friends who drove over 5 hours to be at my moms funeral. I cannot tell you how many times I would attempt to crawl into my house and my friends would bust through my door and tell me to get dressed because we were going to lunch or that they were staying and we were having a happy hour. We were going to laugh, or cry… but if I cried they were making me laugh right after.
    4. Losing a parent is a tough club to be in, but I can attest that we have comraderies. Its a club that nobody wants to be in but we always show up. We write cards, drop off small gifts on anniversaries to let you know that we remember and are thinking of you.

    I can tell you that I don’t remember much about the year I lost my mom. That was the one thing that I remember my father in law telling me after he lost his mom. I didn’t believe it until I lived it. I know I was in survival mode and as much as I tried to be present for my family, I was also on auto pilot. I was grieving, and helping my kids grieve. But I can tell you one thing, the 4 things mentioned above are the things that I remember about that year. I remember those who showed up when I didn’t want them to. I remember my husband getting home from work and helping me cook and clean because I was too exhausted to do it. I remember the check ins, the surprises on my door step, the barge ins because I needed the tough love, and laughs. I know nobody wants to talk about death and grief, but the fact is, its a part of life and life doesn’t get back to “normal” after loss. We have a new normal, we have to mourn and go through holidays and milestones with empty seats. We have to get used to not being able to pick up the phone to talk to our loved one. And most importantly, we have to learn to look for our heavenly signs. My mom said she would send me butterflies and let me tell you, she does. I always tell her “hi” and so do my kids. I embrace the collective “hey mama” and “hey mee mee” when we see our butterflies. I could talk forever on our “signs from heaven” but that is a blog post for another day.

    xoxo-

    Mitzi

  • Mother’s Day without Mom

    Mother’s Day without Mom

    This year is my first Mother’s Day without my mama. I have to say that the closer we get to Sunday, the more emotional I feel. See, it isn’t just her not being here physically for Mother’s Day. Last Mother’s Day was the last time that I saw my mom alive and laughing. Josh bar-b-que’d a brisket for her (by request) and the whole family came over. We laughed and joked, the kids played at her feet, she held her youngest grand babies and great-grand babies, my kids all piled in the recliner with her and I took the last photo that I have of her. Unfortunately, she didn’t have her hair done or makeup on, so I can’t post it here because I know her spirit will appear to pinch my toes like she promised! I wish that we knew that it was our last visit, the last time my babies would see her alive. I wish I had known! Had I known, I would have had my babies hug her a little harder and love on her a little longer.

    My mom with my youngest, Hayes

    Grief is a funny roller coaster. There is no way to prepare yourself for the after. The first year of firsts without them. The last few months, I’ve felt at peace. I’ve embraced my butterflies and my random pink flamingo sightings. Tonight, as I was stuck in TJ Maxx during a severe thunderstorm, it hit me! That damn roller coaster that I was climbing decided to go over the steep slope and turn me upside down. I broke down into tears because I didn’t get to buy a Mother’s Day card this year. I didn’t get to buy anything with the word mother on it, because my mama is in heaven. I was angry that I didn’t get to buy her a night gown this year, the one that I had to go to three or four different stores on opposite ends of town to find, because she only liked a certain cut that was almost impossible to locate. In the middle of the gift wrap aisle, it hit me that the last time that we were all together and happy was on this day last year.

    Saturday will mark 11 months since she gained her wings. This weekend will be hard, but I will enjoy it with my babies. I will love up on them until they tell me to stop, and then love on them a little more. I will focus on making new memories and celebrating all the years that I had with her here on earth. And mom, If your spirit is looking over my shoulder as I’m writing this through tears, please send us a butterfly on Sunday and know that we will be celebrating you here on earth.